(This posting includes a handout LINK AT THE END OF THIS POST which you are welcome to use with your students.) *

Last week, Emily took her driver’s test but failed. At dinner, she told her family but asked them all to promise not to tell anyone because she felt embarrassed. Yesterday, a friend, Jay, said to her, “Your sister, Kara, told me that you failed your driver’s test. Are you going to take it again?” That afternoon at home, Emily was upset and told Kara, “Kara, I asked you not to tell anyone one about my test, but Jay said that you told him.” At that moment, Kara knew she should say sorry, but she didn’t want to. There is a common saying, “Three of the most difficult words for people to say are, ‘I am sorry.’”

(See complete article below.)

For background information about these articles and for suggestions for how to use them with your students, see  • Introducing “Short, High-Interest Readings”  Also, I’ll be adding more of these articles in the right-hand column: ESL Reading> Short, High Interest Articles for Extensive Readings

Here is the 13th article. You can download the article for your students by clicking on the link at the end. Also included are three optional exercises: True-False Questions; Paraphrasing Exercise; Reflection Exercise.

                                    Why It’s Hard to Apologize

Last week, Emily took her driver’s test but failed. At dinner, she told her family but asked them all to promise not to tell anyone because she felt embarrassed. Yesterday, a friend, Jay, said to her, “Your sister, Kara, told me that you failed your driver’s test. Are you going to take it again?” That afternoon at home, Emily was upset and told Kara, “Kara, I asked you not to tell anyone one about my test, but Jay said that you told him.” At that moment, Kara knew she should say sorry, but she didn’t want to. There is a common saying, “Three of the most difficult words for people to say are, ‘I am sorry.’”

A researcher explained what a person like Kara is thinking when they need to apologize. Most of us believe that we are good, moral people. Because of this, some people cannot imagine that they could do something that would hurt another person. At first, they want to say they didn’t do it, or they try to find an excuse. For example, Kara might say, “I think Jay already knew. Maybe someone else told him first.” There are a few reasons why she would not just say sorry.

There are a couple of reason why she would not just apologize. First, Kara feels like she is a good person. If she apologizes, she is admitting that she isn’t perfect, and that is painful. She worries that Emily might not respect her in the future. Also, if she admits that she made a mistake, it could hurt her relationship with Emily.  In the future, Emily might not tell her any secrets, or maybe Emily will tell other people Kara’s secrets.

Another reason why people hesitate to apologize is about control. If Kara says sorry to Emily, then Emily can control how Kara will feel about herself. If Emily doesn’t accept Kara’s apology, then Kara will feel bad about herself.

Research studies have found that when someone refuses to apologize, they actually feel better about themselves for a little while. They can keep a positive feeling about their character. They deny that they made a mistake, or say what happened wasn’t serious, or they claim it was someone else’s fault. They do those things because they don’t want to feel bad. However, researchers have found that when we do apologize, it will actually help us feel better about ourselves. And people who can apologize are strong people, not weak people.

Here is the link to the article and exercises that you can use with your students: Why it’s hard to apologize ARTICLE & EX

David Kehe
Faculty Emeritus

*About the free-download materials. During my 40 years of teaching ESL, I have had many colleagues who were very generous with their time, advice and materials. These downloads are my way of paying it forward.